The energy in oneself, energy with potential and intent, remains restless. It is waiting to find the right kind of outlet. This is sometimes a ruse - forever looking. Yet, there are moments where the energy flows and lends itself to me much more willingly. These directions are to be sought.
Meanwhile, I can see that I have developed such a habit of spending this restlessness is all the wrong directions. When energy is spent well - you emerge, tired but refreshed. Sometimes the task right in front needs to be done, whether one likes it or not. Sometimes, rebel and move to something else. How to know what to do so, what to act towards?
I see how much I waste myself.
--
I find that any task, any exploration done in the Work, is not meaningful unless I use it to address my weaknesses, wrong patterns. Doing a task just to cultivate attention alone - well sometimes that is also good. Of course I realize that these two are not entirely different. Whenever attention is brought back, I encounter my contradictions. So this is it - not the mundane doing of tasks, but to be alive to the specific fears, jealousies, insecurities, weakness etc. I encounter.
Yet, there is something more. Because man can become caught in her own suffering, her own limitations ans the struggle with them. It is like seeking water, while standing by the lakeside sometimes. Slowly, it is also a matter of making that gestalt shift - the moment I capture my attention, I am here, then the past, the wrongs, the sufferings end here. In the now, and i can act and be fully, for whatever is needed. Even this positive action, is a positive struggle. I suppose the struggle is only for the lower self, and for the higher self it is a joy. There are two sides to struggle... worth remembering. Perhaps the trick is to not miss that light peeking behind the struggle. Even struggle is at the realm of the ego, and there is another level too.
--